You insist on continuing to use the toaster that was scientifically proven to have given your parents and grandparents terminal cancer just because it’s a family heirloom
You’ve ever named one of your kids Junior Jr.
You’ve ever masturbated while watching pitbulls fights
You’ve ever burned your great-great-great grandfather’s civil war musket just to keep warm
Your wife can sit down on a road cone without cracking a smile
You’ve ever pulled a tooth because it was too white
Your doctor asked you how your libido is and you told him you can’t get satellite TV
Your gun rack in your pickup truck doesn’t meet the clearance requirements of an interstate overpass
You’ve ever awoken to your wife playing with matchbox cars on her beer belly
One of your after church activities is going to WalMart and seeing who can get the highest score on the blood pressure machine
You have a DVD in your collection entitled Hunting Dog Orgies
You’ve ever walked in on your wife using a Dale Earnhardt Jr. action figure as a dildo
The sound of a coon dog baying makes your balls tingle
You’ve ever tried to cross the Atlantic in a 25 horsepower bass boat
You once put a soap dispenser label over a bottle of hydrocholoric acid, set it next to the sink, set up a hidden camera, and won 10,000 dollars
You wear a bracelet that says WWARRD: What Would A Rabid Raccoon Do?
You get all of your holiday decorations from the cemetery
You’ve ever had to explain to your kid why his stocking had a different name as police cars could be heard pulling up next door
You’ve ever looked up from a busted aquarium to see a news report showing a lumpy python under a day care jungle gym
You’ve ever dumped a bucket full of baby mice into a wood chipper just to see what would happen
You’ve ever given your kid a Tylenol for tuberculosis
You’ve ever made a first impression on someone that resulted in them questioning the existence of God
Your trailer park looks like a huge red dot on the child molester mapping website
Your computer has 64 megabytes of RAM, Windows 95, and a desktop completely covered by animated GIF’s of midgets having sex
You’ve ever turned the overhead light off, put a black light under your computer desk, flipped the switch, and had to visit an optometrist bi-weekly for the rest of your life
You’ve ever covered a hand grenade pin in seeds, set it next to the bird feeder, and watched with childlike wonder from 100 yards away
You took your baby girl deer hunting with you the day after she first watched Bambi
You ruined your daughter’s childhood by disproving the movie Dumbo via kidnapping and throwing an elephant off the side of the George Washington Bridge
You’ve ever hidden a hand gun in the spinning mobile above your baby’s crib
You’ve ever put a habanero pepper in your infant’s mashed peas and carrots purely out of curiosity
You once bought 32 goldfish from Wal Mart on a whim, but never even took them out of your back floorboard
You’ve ever literally mashed your child’s mouth with a potato masher after sassback
You’ve ever been raped by a gorilla, but later had no regrets
You’ve ever knocked on a hotel wall to tell your neighbors to keep going because you weren’t finished yet
You’ve ever played a simple prank on your mailman that resulted in him being trapped in a hole in your yard for a half a month
You put off digging a root cellar until the scanner said a tornado had just touched down a mile from you house
You’ve ever shot at Christmas lights in the shape of a deer
You ever smashed a dobrow over the pulpit after your southern Christian rock band brought down the house
You’ve ever donated the money for a new stain glass window for the church, with the stipulation that it must depict Willie Nelson stabbing Satan to death with a guitar-sword weapon thing
You’ve ever tried to help pay for your uncle’s lung cancer chemo by having him cough on a canvas and selling the resulting artwork
You’re the guy who makes all the other dots on the child molester map not even matter
You won the “Most Unique” award in your AA class because you were the only one there solely because of Mint Julips
The yearbook team created a humiliating superlative just for you: Most Likely To Die From Accidentally Consuming The Spoon From A Buffet Tray
You once threw the Guitar Hero demo guitar over 150 yards across a Best Buy
You’ve ever played the Christmas Shoes song in an abortion clinic waiting room
You’ve ever bet the right to bust your teeth out with a sledgehammer in a small poker game with friends
You’ve ever sung so hard at karaoke that you dislocated your collar bone
You’ve ever snuck into a plane, switched a parachute for a backpack full of silverware, and never once second guessed yourself until the sentencing
You think Bluetooth is a disease that hound dogs get
Your dog's gums are cut all to hell because you're too lazy to buy a can opener and too dumb to buy dog food in a bag
You can pop a blackhead and shoot the pus through a piece of saran wrap 5 feet away
You’ve ever dropped a cigarette butt in a homeless man’s stoma because you thought he was just an artistic ash tray someone had sculpted
You’re only one stamp away from filling up your frequent bail bondsman card
Your dissatisfaction with the state’s auto emission control program caused you to make it your lifetime goal to create a trampoline sized hole in the ozone layer
You’ve ever spent an entire afternoon laying in a hammock emptying 18 cans of hairspray off into the atmosphere
You found yourself taking a Braille class soon after someone gave you a book of Magic Eye puzzles for your birthday
You’ve ever skipped work to run through a sprinkler all day
You’ve ever gone full speed down a slip and slide, over the edge of the roof, and landed on the staircase leading down to the basement
You’ve ever lost a genital while going down a slide at the water park
You’ve ever started a campfire by throwing a stick of dynamite into a wheatfield
Your Christmas card photo showed you punching an Indian in the mouth with a talking balloon that said “Git R Done”
You’ve ever had to explain to your wife on your wedding night why you didn’t have one due to a goat bite when you were seven
Your childhood game of hiding a pitchfork in a pile of hay and jumping on it ended quickly because you played Russian Roulette to see who would go first
You bought a 120 GB video ipod for the sole purpose of being able to listen to Hank William’s “There’s A Tear In My Beer” on it
You burned every science book you owned after you threw a crystal vase into the wall and it didn’t break
Your kindergarten teacher asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up and you were expelled for your answer and, as a result, achieved your answer
You did PCP in preschool
You bought an Easy Button, hit it, waited three minutes in silence, and then threw your golden lab through the patio door
You bought a BluRay player just to silence all those people over the years that told you that “blue” was spelled with an E
You’ve ever cut a line of cocaine with your toenail
You’ve ever held a cocked gun in your mouth to get your kid to go clean his room
You’ve ever taken a flight to Hawaii in order to win a game of license plate bingo
You’ve ever whomped your dog with a rolled up newspaper and sent him on home
You’ve ever tried your heart out and still lost a game of Twister to three paraplegics
You’ve ever scraped enough plaque off your teeth to fabricate a 1:24 scale model of the Washington monument
You’ve ever used sea foam as shaving cream
You’ve ever poked a hole through your cheek with a Hershey’s Kiss
You’ve ever stopped your child’s breathing with insulation foam and saved him with firecrackers
You’ve ever tossed a hamster onto a steamboat wheel and said “Welcome to the big time”
Your parents couldn't bear to tell you the truth about Santa Claus, so they threw a red coated mannequin down the chimney as you were reading a storybook beside the fire
You’ve ever bought a $30,000 snowmobile based off of a prediction in the Farmer’s Almanac
You spent more money in 2007 on unnecessary doghouse improvements than on groceries
Your audit created jobs at the IRS
You’ve ever thrown discarded biohazard needles at a world map while waiting for the doctor an examination room
You’ve ever swallowed a box of nails right before an MRI just to see what would happen
You’ve ever had a doctor forget you were being X-Rayed and they found you lying on the table the next morning singing Three Blind Mice, with a beach ball sized tumor on your forehead
You once made it on American Gladiators but they never aired that episode because you beat Laser to death with brass knuckles during a pregame handshake
Your golf swing has ever been described as an antelope giving birth during an earthquake
Your momma fell down in the bathtub and broke the seismograph at the state university
Your appearance on Jeopardy caused the producers to install trapdoors leading to snake pits under each podium
You've ever gotten wasted with your anesthesiologist the night before your surgery
You’ve ever sold Percocet to kindergartners at recess
You used up your all of your paid vacation days for an Andy Griffith marathon
You’ve ever played Shuffleboard with a stillborn puppy
Your friends have to hold you to the ground and give you Ritalin every time you make visual contact with a fire alarm
You’ve ever bought a Moon Pie on Ebay
You’ve ever strained so hard while taking a dump that you thought you were driving a Dunebuggy by the time you finished
You’ve ever smoked a pack of cigarettes while treading water
You’ve ever been forced to be creative during a blackout and made a candle out of earwax and a tampon string
You’ve ever sledded down a steep hill in a casket along with the person who would momentarily spend eternity in it
Your church has a metal detector after you tried to stab the choir director over an argument regarding an F sharp
You’ve ever gotten blue balls while reading Field & Stream
You’ve ever broken out into uncontrollable laughter during a tour of a slaughterhouse
You were once beaten unconscious by your father after you tried to make a unicorn out of a railroad spike, a hammer, and his plowing mule
You’ve ever invented a spring loaded wheelchair ramp, with hilarious results
You’ve ever dropped a cat off a building so high that, quite frankly, you couldn’t find enough pieces of it to prove to your friend that it landed on its feet
The first time you ever encountered a revolving door, you did not stop playing in it until you were picking rock salt out of your chest
You were arrested for making a foolproof whitening toothpaste that contained Kerosene, Jack Daniels, and cocaine
You’ve ever gone out into your backyard and knocked a bunch of mushrooms off of a dead stump into your Cobb Salad
You lost your virginity before you stopped believing in Santa Claus
You beat up other kids in preschool, elementary school, middle school, high school, and college all after the age of thirty
You’ve ever been “all jacked up on Mountain Dew”, but then realized you preferred a mixture of speed and urine instead
The IRS tried to pull up your file and it crashed their server backbone
You were mad when you bought tickets for a Greyhound Bus and there were people on it
You’ve ever superglued yourself to a bull simulator in hopes of picking up women
You missed your child’s birth because you were standing out in your yard hitting june bugs with a ball bat all day
You’ve ever felt that your worries were over based off of an answer that a magic eight ball gave you
You once ate enough cotton candy and caramel apples in one night at the county fair to put yourself in a 17 year diabetic coma
You’ve ever run for county commissioner and cited your massive dick as one of your qualifications
You’ve ever stopped someone’s hiccups with a 2x4
You’ve ever needed some coal for your grill, so you went down to the train tracks and set a couple of old car hoods on top of the rails
You’ve ever lost a spelling bee to an illegal immigrant
You’ve ever been awarded the key to the city for clearing out the claw machine at the bowling alley
You still have a W04 sticker on your pickup after all this
You’ve ever tried to jump your car off a dock onto a ferry when it was already a dot on the horizon
You think deep sea fishing is when you tried to get your wristwatch out of your grandma
You’ve ever gone to a timeshare meeting to get a free toaster and ended up with 17 condos in the Caymans
You’ve ever thrown your child through a Victorian wardrobe over an argument regarding a triple word score in Scrabble
You’ve ever bought a 3000 piece puzzle of a cloudless sky and had to have a lobotomy 2 weeks later
You knew your daddy’s cataract removal went badly when the doctor walked out with a severed arm
You’ve ever invested in braces for your coondog
You’ve ever been sent to sit in the corner by a marriage counselor
You wrote in your sister’s yearbook “To my best piece of ass ever”
Your prom date had hooves
You’ve ever rented a porno called “Chew Your Cud”
You lost your job as a driving instructor when you had a student hit a 6 inch speed bump at 150 mph
You’ve ever asked for the cow and a machete when asked how you wanted your steak cooked
You’ve ever tried to catch a rabbit with a carrot cake, but just ended up giving all your songbirds diabetes
You were held in contempt of court after one of your bottle rockets scorched the bailiff’s scalp
You’ve ever strangled a puppy while staring into its eyes for a Klondike Bar
You’ve ever text messaged someone while hugging a family member at a receiving
You’ve ever played poker on your cell phone with the sound on during a eulogy
Your grandpa’s cataracts are so bad you can look into his eyes and see lightning
You can play the solo from Stairway To Heaven faster than the original on a brown jug
You went to Google Image search, typed in “downtrodden”, hit enter, and went 7 pages before you found a picture of anything besides a member of your immediate family
Every Thanksgiving, you impress your visiting relatives with your word processing skills on your green screen
Your severe astigmatism led you to trade your pickup for a Mickey Mantle rookie card that was actually a four of spades with a smiley face drawn on it
You’ve ever started a business selling pickled kitten hearts, but it took two years of constant psychiatric treatment to fill a single jar
You’ve ever pleasured a cow with a bowling pin
You clear your throat loudly every time the preacher asks for objections at a wedding
You’ve ever set a Guinness world record that involved horses, fire, and trampolines, but no one was around to see it
You’ve ever done a standing backflip over a 6 foot brick wall to avoid a tax auditor
Your hip has numerous horrific scars because you didn’t know for twenty years that pocket knives could be closed
You’ve ever emailed your bank account info to an estranged Nigerian president
You threw a 90 mph fastball the first time you and your 5 year old ever played catch and had a $75000 plastic surgery bill 3 weeks later
You’ve ever tried to impress bystanders at a fast pitch baseball game, but ended up tearing your rotator cuff clean out of your body
You’ve ever roundhouse kicked your kid in the back of the head while he was reading a book in the floor because it would be more interesting than another night sitting around watching TV
McCain endorsed genocide and you still voted for him
Your $5000 subwoofer rattled the rotten teeth out of your kids’ heads
You saw that painting of melting clocks and it gave you an idea that resulted in the destruction of both your microwave and your capability to keep mechanical time
You’ve ever bought a 300 yard long mini USB cable so that you could charge your cellphone while plowing your field
You’ve ever sucked your stomach in so hard to impress a girl that you broke 7 vertebrae
You’ve ever unintentionally lost a game of Tetris in 5 moves
You’ve ever had stabbing chest pains, but you just kept right on nibbling your stick of butter and playing your handheld poker machine
You’ve ever opted for liposuction over chemo
You’ve ever broken the preacher’s collarbone with a potato gun during Sunday morning services
You’ve ever circumcised a horse during a game of truth or dare
You’ve ever awoken on the shoulders of a screaming mob after winning a dirtbike race while sleepwalking
Your welcome mats at your house are stolen mudflaps
You’ve ever performed anesthesia on yourself, but fell asleep before you could unhook the hose and woke up 28 weeks later
You grabbed a ball bat and ran outside when the weatherman said there was baseball sized hail in your area
The flower girl slipped and broke her neck at your wedding due to your chronic diarrhea
You lent your fiancé your klan robes to save on costs for a dress for your wedding
You’ve never made it to the alter at one of your weddings before it broke out into a full blown orgy
You’ve ever successfully fathered a living, breathing kitten
You’ve ever rode a rocking chair sitting in a red wagon off the roof of your barn for a Youtube video that only got 3 views in 7 years
You’ve never opened a fortune cookie that had a fortune in it
The doctor told you that you had cholera and you destroyed an entire wardrobe of shirts trying to get rid of it
You dropped a propane canister down your neighbor’s chimney after his dog took a dump in your yard
You and your wife had to take off from work to take care of each other for alcohol poisoning within the same week
You’ve ever pushed a buddy off an oil rig so you could steal his peanut butter and jelly sandwich
You were convicted of the murder of the guy who invented Mapquest after one of his maps took you off the end of an abandoned bridge in Missouri
You once threw such an extravagant Thanksgiving party for your family that you’re still eating leftover turkey they went bad during the Carter administration
You’ve ever eaten a decade old jar of mayonnaise to get out of doing the dishes
You’ve ever had a casual phone conversation with your wife during a high speed chase
You and your brother once played tennis at the park with shorts cut off so high it looked like a couple of corn dogs bouncing against PVC pipes the whole time
Your farmer’s tan turned out to be farmer’s skin cancer
Your top three vertebrae are made of steel because of that time you tried to hang clean a half ton
The steel plate in your head was less of a medical decision and more of a bullet proofing measure
You’ve ever punched a frustration hole through a Pac Man arcade screen and burned your knuckles off in the liquid crystal display
You’ve ever been involved in a trick or treat that resulted in the incineration of a 70 year old widow
Your horse’s water broke and you made lemonade out of it and sold it to the neighborhood kids
You’ve ever gotten blue balls listening to the female voice of your car’s GPS unit
You’ve ever kicked your family puppy through the patio door when your son brought home an F on his report card
The sheriff came to tell you that your wife had been killed and the first thing you asked was if the corpse was still warm
You’ve ever accidentally quit your job because you set your watch to run on military time
You’ve ever called 911 to phone in a pizza order
You’ve ever housebroken a puppy with one swing of a baseball bat
You ever hidden a corpse on a elementary school bus
It gives you a hard on to see your wife put out cigarettes on her areolas
You’ve ever seen someone choking in a restaurant and later realized you did not know the Heimlich maneuver as you held their severed head in your hands
You had your hound dog’s nipples pierced and all its puppies starved to death
You sold your liver on ebay because you thought you had two of them
You’ve ever caused an 8 hour backup on I-95 while watching two horses fornicate
You’ve ever turned an innocent kiss under the mistletoe into a violent rape
You are the editor in chief of a cockfighting newsletter
You’ve ever cut off all of your toes with a skill saw for Super Bowl tickets
You drank yourself into a coma after you lost a drinking contest
You can see a landfill, a strip club, and a deer stand while standing on your front porch
You never turn down jury duty because you know, chances are, it will be a family reunion
You’ve ever milked a cow while watching Silence of The Lambs
You’ve ever gutted someone with a rusty machete after the air quoted you
Your cheese greater really helped you get through your child’s terrible twos
You’ve ever hunted squirrels in a national forest with Molotov cocktails
You ate Rocky Mountain oysters while talking to your grandmother on her death bed
You’ve ever slept with your sister to make your grandma jealous
You have ever asked a perfect stranger if they could see the semen stain on your shirt
Your life long ambition has been to write and compose porno music
You had the word “finally” added to your stepmother’s funeral pamphlet
You lost your camera lens during your colonoscopy
You’ve ever spun out of your driveway and watched with wonder as your hubcap came off and sliced your neighbor’s wiener dog in clean halves
You’ve ever smoked a cigar in a single drag
You became hostile during a game of skeeball at your 45th birthday party
You’ve ever gone mud slinging through a soil and water conservation complex
You’ve ever snuck a recurve bow into a ballet recital
Your idea of a good time is a balcony seat at the opera and a box of snap pops
You’ve ever stuffed so many pop rocks in your mouth at one time that the church choir lost its pitch
You’ve ever tried to reverse the effect of 7 childbirths on your wife with a tablespoon of alum
You’ve ever delivered a nephew while your sister laid back in a recliner trying to beat Mario Bros. on a black and white TV
You replaced your little girl’s bed with a foosball table, resulting in scoliosis within a week
You’ve ever worn a black Bobby Labonte t-shirt to a family reunion, had some BBQ, and then put the moves on Donna Jo
You’ve ever filled every cupholder in your pickup to the brim with mucous
You can open your refrigerator door, tilt it forward, and fill a 5 gallon bucket with mice corpses
You’ve ever won 100,000 dollars on a scratch off, accidentally dropped it in a stormwater drain, and were too lazy to retrieve it
Your mixed drink of choice is called Hog Urine: A Miller Lite with a pickled pigs foot and 4 slices of raw bacon floating in it
Your wife said she had a yeast infection and you tried to cure it by making extremely loud noises around her
You’ve ever traded an ancestor’s revolutionary war musket for a 5 gallon bucket full of Red Man
You replaced your shower with 3 arcade machines after you found 75 bottles of discarded cologne in a dumpster
You’ve ever dumped a 50 pound bag of dry cocoa powder into a random family’s dog lot just to see if the rumors were true, but forgot all about it
You’ve ever posted a Youtube video, someone commented “get a life”, and you tracked them down and beat them near to death with a 2 foot long bundle of optical cable
